yourknight's Journal

The New Frontier
I have officially lived long enough to have an African American become president of my country.
The winds of hope have changed direction in favor of posterity. My children's children will study this day in their history class. I am overjoyed. I am without words.

A New Beginning
It is January and I am wearing a short sleeved shirt and working in the yard. Stones that rolled with the mounds of snow pushed by a plow have been returned to the driveway with the fling of a shovel. I am confused by the time of year and the accomplishment of a chore that is normally reserved for the month of April. I haven't forgotten the Kodak moments of February of 2007 when I lay in bed with knee surgery whilst the snowfall was measured in feet. Mother Nature has a great sense of humor.

The New Year is already starting off making great memories. BW introduced me to an old friend who knows how to enjoy life beyond work. He was so gracious to invite me to a SU Basketball game and I actually took the time to go. I had a great time. There needs to be more activities like that in my life. I hope that he will accept our invitation to stay with us in fall and enjoy Mother Nature's art work.

Personal goals this year are simple.

1. Dote on Wife

2. Continue training for a marathon

3. Simplify my life

4. Organize my life

5. Dote on Wife

dreams and growth
This morning I awoke with the scent of another time. I am sure it was the smell of my BW putting a log on the fire. What I remember of my dreams was an opera of sorts with two tenors exchanging gripes of the English moving in and taking over everything. One of the men actually sported some very large false teeth and mocked someone that I can't for the life of me remember. With all of the negative vibes of English audacity considering BW is writing about the revolutionary war and I am reading about the invasion of Christianity on the soil of Ireland, it's no surprise that I am dreaming of hatred.
On the other hand, I am going through some spiritual growth that somehow is tied to all of the input regardless of the difference in time or subject.
I am trying to stay level headed about all of the input but change can be bit ...........enlightening

Just when you think you have it all figured out.
So here I am typing on my new laptop and trying get back to the Bengunna of entries. I Bengunna try to get a lot of things done. Now out of nowhere, the spiritual side of me comes from the roots of my being and demands attention and will not be ignored. Several nights now my drug induced Lunesta sleep is being actively disturbed by incredibly vivid dreams that have pulled me up by the short hairs. Me having very few of those certainly gets my attention when yanked. I have seen my homestead stripped of it's finished woodwork and lay open to be viewed. Interactions with nameless people with just skeletons and organs have been an endless reel in my mind. Many of the visions have carried over to the awakened part of my days. BW purchased some resources to read in an attempt to help me with this journey. I can't quite articulate what I am trying to accomplish. I feel as though I have had this journey before. There is this faint voice from just out of the reach of comprehension that I think is calling my name. Somehow I know it's not the name I have now. The sound of it doesn't seem to make it to my ears but more like reaching to my soul. I am not sad but I can say I am not overjoyed. If I were pressed to describe what I feel, it would be, "aware." I don't feel attacked or the fight or flight gut wrenching pain. My eyes seem to want to look farther than my glasses will let me. Most of the time I want to look backwards. I know the path I have taken and the footprints I have made. But my spirit is taking a form of it's own and it wants recognition for something that is, was, or is going to be. I putter about doing my chores and this sound is everywhere. I look outside and look at the snow and it doesn't look the same as it did say a year ago. My hearing is going and yet the sound of the Chickadee today was in my head as much as it was in my ears. Weird.
Not sure if there isn't some halucinogenics in my cereal but I'll keep you posted.

Current Mood: hmmm

Being a Dad
Phone is ringing,,,oh my god it is! It was the wife...calling after I typed the first three words...freaky.

Kids asking for stuff and me making it happen....that was why I was put on the planet. Is there ever a better reason to thank your ex-wife for your kids or your new wife for hers? I guess I feel complete when I know that I can provide a solution. Life can really feel good sometimes

Extending a Family
My mother-n-law said it best when she addressed the attendance of a newcomer to the family dinner table. "Charlotte, now that you have come to dinner with us, you are now considered part of the family," mom proclaimed. Mom has experience with "extras" at the dinner table due to her life as a minister's wife.
My family took in "strays" as my mom would call them, all of the time. Not like my father-n-law, I would call and ask permission first. Edith (my mom) didn't like surprises when it came to serving food. There was never a time that my mom said "no". The code question was, "can you throw another bone in the soup?"
It has become a fond memory that so many friends came and ate with me and my mom and dad.
Tonights dinner was a planned event. My daughter has brought a friend with her to spend some time here during a short break from college. She is delightful and has by all appearances enjoyed her stay here. It is with great pride, that I hope that she feels comfortable to stop in some day long after her graduation to say hello. That's what one does when you have become a member of a growing family.

Pride and sorrow
I am a very fortunate man. I have an extremely talented family. My children are gifted in so many ways. Two of my daughters are well on there way to become teachers of the leaders of tomorrow. My other daughter is probably going to solve world peace in China while proof reading another one of my wife's novels. My son who so admirably brings up the rear guard of the family, will someday swim in the olympics. My wife who could very likely take over the required reading of all the middle and high schools of the USA, is with out a doubt, beyond the abilities of my vocabulary. I am so proud of them all.
Pride comes with a price. Somehow, if my childhood filled with lectures from all-knowing adults had touched upon the topic of sorrow and it's connection with pride,...I missed it. Oh how I have studied the art of sorrow as of late. Injuries end sports careers for two daughters. One daughter has had to leave a music passion behind due to life just fucking not being filled with enough hours in a day. A wife, who's own passions are teetering on the edge of a time line, is contemplating a slow death for her sister. Although I might enjoy the fictitious slaughter of her sibling, I recognize how sad it is. My son, who just fell short of a dream of becoming an all american swimmer at an event that took a herculean effort just to be invited to, wept in my arms today. I have faced enough
sorrow, thank you.

I wished that somewhere in my travels I had become a bit more prepared for experiencing the sorrow of others. I guess that's what open caskets and dying pets are for, toughening up the skin for the bigger things in life.

The Day After
All of the food is put away into nooks a crannies of the refrigerator. The house has become large again with daughter w/boyfriend leaving with momma blazing a trail so they may return to Pennsyltuckie.
As with all holidays, the preparer of the food was anxious about it's bounty and it's edibility. Of course as with most gatherings it's not about the food anyway, but cooks still fret. I was pretty good at the fretting part and from the small amounts of food to be put away, cooking went well enough.
The day after is a transitional one. After a eating binge, one normally sleeps quite soundly and dreads the morning. I was all over that. The dreading the morning part anyway. This morning meant that it was the departing of one daughter and the later arrival of another. My hope is some day they,(meaning all four of my hoodlums) will be here all at once.
I am thankful for not burning the turkey and that all who sat at my table enjoyed their stay. I just wish that yesterday could have lasted a bit longer.

It's a big house
It truly is amazing how much of a mess I can make when everyone is gone. Air hose and compressor, hammers and nails, drywall compound, you name it. I feel like a molecule bouncing around in an attempt to complete as many projects before My Lady returns. Although I understand that my painter has bigger obligations than my project....it still sucks that he couldn't make it here this weekend. But I keep picking away at the mess and eventually I will be done. Of course I started in 1988 so as you can see, I can make really big messes.
The moon is out and the first snow has melted into the earth. The smell of the air is wonderful. The smell of old wet leaves brings a strange comfort to me. Maybe because of the fact that by this time in the year I can actually smell something....hmmm.
It is silent here. There is no wind, rain, car traffic...nothing. I guess me and the dog need to bang around for bit just so the house will feel lived in.

where does time go to
So all of a sudden you look up at the clock and realize that time didn't stand still after all. Then, out of respect to the other time piece, you look at the calender and stop breathing due to TWS.
Time Warp Syndrome is suffered by millions everyday. Frequently, those who suffer from this disease blame objects for the lapse of time. Countless watches and clocks have been accused of poor performance. However at this writing, it has been documented that time has continued to move forward undaunted by the false accusations.
I suffer from this disease. My last entry is written proof. I have on occasion looked under the rug and the couch for missing moments. No luck on my part to identify anything remotely resembling time. However, if this elusive character has the ability to look like a cheerio or a popcorn kernel, I have recovered nearly a month of time.
If you are lucky enough to have a BW that is teaching you Time Management 101 here is a tip to a great first semester test. Mark a calender and keep your eye on the clock.
Next entry we'll discuss Lists 101 where we will bring goal orientation and achievement to life.

Adjusting
Every time I think I have a handle on things, smack....right in the kisser.
My kids are changing by the second. Moving here and there and I am not sure where to start with this entry.
Let's start with the Freshman@college to be. I miss her. She makes me laugh. She's wired and that makes me feel better,...cause,..well I am wired too. She has strong opinions. I like that too. She can be loud like her friends and that's a good thing. She'll be ready when the rest of my hearing goes.
Then there is the Sophomore. She is angry and loving all in one package. We have issues and hopefully in time we'll work them all out. She is great to watch sports with. When she was little she would watch boxing with me. It was so cool to ask her who she thought would win. I am not sure if she is a natural or it was coincidence, but rarely, and I mean rarely was she wrong. I miss her 2.
Miss Junior rounds out the college musketeers. We are the most alike. She acts and professes just like I did, back in the day. Cool. We don't always agree but someday she will learn that I was right......(grin). I am very proud of her for some very special reasons. One is that she no longer has her head down in between her shoulders. She stands upright now and is large and in charge of her life. She is not afraid to admit when she is scared or not sure of herself and that my friends is the sign of maturity. Cool cool
Bringing up the end of the children train is the hairy man child. Oh my has my day come. Mom you were right. Walk over and high five St.Peter will ya.
Damn, he is just like me. He is tender and still a bit fragile which is what I enjoy about him. It will change soon.
So the story is three are out of the nest so to speak and one is a part timer. Wife and I are reeling from the adjustments. We miss our kids even when they are with us. Momma and I are planning road trips and this is a good thing. Not that I am in a hurry, but I am looking forward to when their day comes and there are grand kids and told you so stuff.

Work-work-work
It's Monday if you haven't noticed.
Man is time flying by. When you are as busy as I am lately, there isn't time to look at the clock. I gauge my days lately by the sun...it's either up or down.
I am in the middle of major construction here at the homestead. Basically, it looks like Hurricane Dennis passed through. You could find your way to the garage easily enough by following the wood chips. But I am gaining on the goal and that is a good feeling.
The real goal is down to 17 days. I will be hooked-at-the-hip with my wife.
Can't wait....but...the clock is ticking and there much to do.
I can't imagine what her face is going to look like when she first sees the house.....hmmmmm...happy I am sure.

When Idols Fall
This is a tough look at life. What does one do when their idol falls from the pedestal. How do you feel when you realize that the focus of your attention was on an unrealistic expectation of someone's abilities. For instance, your older brother and the protector of the peace in a large family of brothers and sisters. He could be everything to a younger sibling. He was stronger,faster,smarter and best of all he could be in charge when mom or dad weren't around. Then, the day comes when he moves on to college or the service or even worse gets married and moves away. How betrayed you can feel. Why, because we don't understand that life changes.
When you are a kid, life doesn't change like that because we haven't experienced it. The loss of a Grandparent is a perfect example of here today and gone tomorrow for a child. How did that happen, death, how could that happen to Nanna or Pop Pop. Same goes for the kid who finds out that the baseball star who promoted a hugh fancy commercial about don't do drugs, just got arrested for DWI. Wow, he lied, he's a phony!
The same fall from grace can happen with ones parents. My Lady and I are experiencing this now. The inevitable desintegration of health and mental faculties is more than hard to watch. It's hard to believe. How, why, it can't be. My parents can't remember yesterdays conversation. They raised me, molded me, kicked my ass and sent me to school. How is it they can't do that anymore.
For myself, I hope that I won't fade away quickly. Who knows that maybe if I had spent more time with my folks after I moved on, I could have seen the changes in their abilities sooner. What is important is what I can see now.
I have children and a wife who have me on a pedestal of sorts. They need me to at least keep them fed. I need to let them know that before I start to fail, and need to step off the pedestal, that I love you all...just in case I forget.

The need for children
I was born to be a dad. I miss my kids even when they are near. Due to age, divorce, logistics, you name it, my kids are never all in one spot. My girls, are the closest in age, followed by a strapping new teenage male. My mom used to tell me daily when I was just his age,"your day will come". It was a fond remark, said in jest, love, and the truth. My day has come and he is just as silly,caring,physical and just plain fun to be around as I think I must have been. I was the youngest child just as he is. You learn a lot from that vantage point. For all the heartache that we as an old family,(my exwife) and kids to the new wife and kids, what a true blessing it is to have the relationships I do with the rug-rats. I never imagined myself as a Dad. I knew that I would do ok with Kids simply because they gravitate to me. I recently attended a 4th of July party. The hostess was carrying a guest's child when she greeted me. Before we could exchange a simple hello, the child leaned into the "holdmeyoulooklikesomeonewholovesbabies"
and there I was holding the beautiful kid. Of course we all know that babies feel more at ease with men without hair because we look just like them only bigger. After the full introduction of having a bottle shoved into my mouth(a true bonding moment), the kid looks at my son and suddenly leans towards him. Ok, fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Although my experience with kids paid off because I know I had a much better look of confidence than my son did at that moment. Right in stride however, hands just like mine, swooped out and awkwardly held onto the bundle of kindred spirit and laughed that nervous laugh that only a teenager can do. Next thing you know, we are surrounded by kids that we don't know and do know and they are all talking at once about everything that is important to them. It was delightful. I had more meaningful conversations with them than any of the adults. My Dad was a listener, I am a listener, and I think my son will be a listener, well when he finally stops talking he might be.

the cost of freedom
How did we as a nation get here? How can we continue to survive with all the things our politicians do wrong? Do I need to continue?
For all of the complaints that we share about what is or isn't perfect with our country, stop for a moment and think of the one thing that let's us complain in the first place....FREEDOM!
If you are lucky enough to have known a Veteran or if you are like my wife and I, both of our fathers are alive and survived WWII, call them up and say thank you. Please, if you are driving by a cemetery and you see the thoughtful US Flags waving by a Tomb stone, give a nod and say thanks. Everything that you and I enjoy as a citizen of the US has been protected with more than guns and bombs.
Have a safe and wonderful 4th and take a moment to say thanks to our fallen heroes and all of the men and women of the armed forces.

As the Days pass By
My Lady was explaining to me about one of the prior days events that happened in the world and suddenly something occurred to me. The days of waiting for her final arrival at our home was quickly approaching. Seldom in my entire life have I concentrated on one thing for very long. Usually I have a couple of balls in the air while I walk through my day. From the day I got beat up in Family Court, I have focused on building projects that needed to be finished before ML moved in. As my late mother would say,"the world can go to hell in a hand basket, I need to get this done". So, I am a bit behind on the world events due to focus. I hope that the world continues to turn whilst I workith my butt off.

Banging and hammering
I had a nice conversation with my neighbor. He was out doing the dad thing for his youngest son. Our town's road crew was scraping the sides of the road to reclaim lost territory due to the insidious grass that I can't grow. The dirt they scooped up was being dumped exactly where my neighbor asked for it, on his son's property. "Boy is he going to be surprised when he gets home" said the proud dad. "I hope to have it all spread out by the time he gets out of work". Dads are cool
He asked me what all the ruckus was up my way. Funny how some folks pay attention to noise. I told him I was "fix-n" the attic up "inta" an office
for my wife. He just smiled and asked if I was ever going to be done "fix-n"
I said I hope not, cause I would just get in trouble if I didn't keep my hands busy. Busy they are too. If I had time I would put in an elevator. Two flights of stairs up and then realize you need something else has gotten old really quick. We are getting there and momma is in for a surprise when she finally moves in. T minus 32 days and counting.
Oh my God....I better get back to hammer-n

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Whistle-while-you-work

High School Graduations and Beyond
Today was a special celebration. Family, friends, even an appearance by the principle made for a great day for the new graduate. The setting was the grandparents garage,box-fan in the window,good food, and "back-in-the-day"
playing in the background conversation.
Funny how you some how adapt to your surroundings when you attend a function like this. You are paraded around by the sister-n-law and introduced to familiar faces but don't remember names. Somehow, you find something to talk about and the day just disappears.
I glanced over at the new introduction to the working world and wondered what it felt like again. There is a certain simplicity to the world when you leave the confines of high school. We all know that all too soon, it becomes very apparent that things like toilet paper don't appear magically. Tuition,car payments, rent, oh my god....I'm broke. Ah way back when.
Do you remember waking up in the morning and the refrigerator produced endless supplies of milk and butter? For me there might be a list to add to the expected chores when I woke up during summer vacation. But until I left highschool, I wasn't concerned about where the next roll came from, it was there.
I hope that this graduate's journey to reality is a kind one. My wish is that her successes will be twice that of the failures she will experience.
From what I can see, mom and dad did a fine job. I hope that they will bask in their success, despite the inevitable tears.

Making something good out of something bad
It has always been my intention to use this space for highlighting the goodness in everything. Whether it be a social topic or a personal one, I am convicted to pen words that are uplifting and inspirational.
I won't elaborate on how not a court official should act, but will try to describe the life after enduring a helpless situation.
It took a couple of days to calm down from my ordeal. Those who are closest to me offered words of encouragement and concern for my recovery. Truthfully, most of what was expressed bounced off my head and very little that got in stayed. What really became apparent is how much I love my son. How passionate I had become to defend his rights as a responsible individual. As a team, we bonded in a way only a father and son can. And when I became dehydrated enough so as not to cry, it became very clear the optimist's half-full glass. My son and I have a relationship that is as rewarding and respectful as any relationship one could ask for. For a year, in the shadow of a bitter conflict between two parents, a bond was maturing between us. The communication between us has no boundries. We lost a battle not the war.
So he and I march on. We don't like what was handed us. But together, we are making the best of it. We made a team. A strong team. We are invincible.

Current Mood: accomplished

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